Conflict Styles: How to Fight Better

Disagreements are inevitable in relationships. Individual differences in values, beliefs, and worldviews are destined to clash at some point in a relationship, and so fighting or arguing is not uncommon. Although serious or toxic fights can break up a relationship, disagreements can also be used as opportunities to allow the relationship to grow in a positive direction—the difference is in how couples go about fighting. In fact, how we fight with a partner is more important than what we are fighting about (Hee et al., 2019; Bertoni & Bodenmann, 2010). Thus, we should be aware of what is most damaging to relationships when disagreements arise, and more importantly, how we can effectively handle conflict to build a relationship rather than breaking it down.

This topic expands upon Mission 8.1 of relationship development app LIFE Intelligence’s 9-Mission program. LIFE is an app available on iOS and Android that is designed to optimize cognitive, emotional, and social functioning. LIFE includes a series of exercises centered around career, self, and relationships that aim to improve your happiness and functioning in all areas of your life.

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The Four Horsemen

In order to build positive relationships, we should be particularly careful to avoid communicating in ways that can hinder or harm our connection to others. According to clinician and researcher John Gottman (1993), four major maladaptive communication styles in a relationship are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, called the “Four Horsemen” (Hooper et al., 2017).

• Criticisms include offensive statements or direct verbal attacks (e.g. “You just sit around all day while I’m at work”).
• Defensiveness is a self-protective response to criticism, often phrased as a counterattack (e.g., “I wouldn’t have forgotten to take the food in if you had cleaned out the refrigerator like I asked you.”).
• Contempt involves deliberately causing emotional pain to someone else; it is rooted in feelings of disgust and disrespect for another person. 
• Stonewalling occurs when someone is unresponsive and withdraws from conversations rather than engaging. 

The Four Horsemen are closely tied to relationship dissatisfaction. All four of these communication styles can break down a relationship, but of the Four Horsemen, stonewalling seems to have the greatest negative impact on relationship satisfaction in married couples (Hooper et al., 2017). The Four Horsemen often operate in tandem with each other; for example, someone who feels contempt for their partner may criticize them, which may lead to their partner being defensive, which can then increase feelings of contempt. Additionally, stonewalling could compound feelings of contempt or further criticisms. 

As best as you can, try to cut out these communication styles from your relationships. For example, rather than attacking a partner’s general personality or image, rephrase complaints as specific needs that you have that may be unfulfilled. If you are feeling overwhelmed and not ready to engage in a certain conversation, explain this to your partner rather than storming out without an explanation (Lisitsa, 2013). To learn more about the Four Horsemen, as well as how to use specific “antidotes” to combat them, download the LIFE Intelligence app.

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Conflict Styles

The way in which couples fight or argue fits more broadly into four different “conflict styles.” Conflict styles describe how individuals approach conflict in a relationship (Busby & Holman, 2009). They can either do so in a way that supports the relationship, using one of the three “regulated” conflict styles, or in a way that is destructive to the relationship, using an “unregulated” conflict style (Busby & Holman, 2009; Hee et al., 2019). The four styles are:

• Avoidant: People who use the avoidant style minimize conflict as much as they can by “agreeing to disagree.” For example, if a married couple were in an argument about something the husband had said, an avoidant husband might acquiesce and apologize even if he did not feel as if he was wrong. He would rather “pick his battles” and move on with the relationship than stress a particular disagreement.

• It is important to note that using an avoidant style is not the same as stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when a partner is disengaged from the relationship or from a particular conflict, whereas those using an avoidant style still aim to benefit the relationship and are capable of effectively navigating a conflict.

• Volatile: Unlike the avoidant style, those who use the volatile style are not afraid to have passionate debates and disagreements. However, these arguments may still be beneficial to the relationship and are not necessarily a sign that the couple is not managing conflict well. 
• Validating: The validating style emphasizes that partners seek to understand and appreciate their partner’s beliefs, thus “validating” them. Of the three regulated styles, this style seems to be the most effective as it is most closely associated with relationship satisfaction and stability (Busby & Holman, 2009; Hee et al., 2019).
• Hostile: This style is unregulated and therefore is always destructive to the relationship. Couples who use the hostile style have feelings of contempt that undermine the relationship.

Thus, in terms of its influence on relationship quality, the best conflict style is validating, followed by avoidant and volatile; the hostile style is always the least functional means of navigating a conflict. However, an individual’s conflict styles are only one part of the greater picture of a relationship. Partners’ conflict styles also interact with each other, and the way in which they interact can depend on whether a couple’s conflict styles match or do not match.

Unsurprisingly, couples in which both partners use a validating style tend to have the best relationship satisfaction and most positive outcomes in the relationship (Busby & Holman, 2009). However, the benefits of this conflict style still show when only one partner uses the validating style. The least functional style in terms of relationship quality is the hostile conflict style, even if only one partner uses it. Second-to-worst are couples in which one partner is avoidant and the other is volatile. It seems as if these opposite means of navigating problems are incompatible with each other over time.

The implications of research into conflict styles are clear. In order to navigate conflict in the best possible way, we would be wise to steer clear of hostility and instead focus on understanding and validating a partner’s beliefs. However, this is easier said than done. Conflict styles are often relatively fixed modes of behavior, likely because they are related to attachment styles and may even originate from an individual’s secure or insecure attachment (Cann et al., 2008). Attachment styles are deeply-rooted ways in which an individual interacts with other people, like blueprints or navigating intimate relationships. To learn more about attachment styles, complete Missions 7.2 and 7.3 on the LIFE app.

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Deescalating Conflicts

One means of addressing the ways in which couples can fight better is through learning the tools of the validating conflict style. Rather than using the Four Horsemen, couples should instead focus on deescalating conflict through clarification, taking responsibility, stating intentions, and appreciation (Whiting & Cravens, 2016). These practices have been linked to calmer, more effective arguments, less cognitive distortions, and better relationship outcomes.

• To clarify is not to make excuses, but rather to sincerely explain one’s thinking or behavior during communication. Clarifying an issue can clear up misunderstandings and help other people to see why you might be acting a certain way. For example, you could clarify appearing moody by saying “I didn’t mean to seem upset with you; I just had a difficult commute coming home and I was still a little irritated.” Clarifying an issue is often met with a reciprocal clarification response, which helps to deescalate a conflict and foster mutual understanding. 
• Taking responsibility means recognizing that one has made a mistake or created a problem. Instead of accusing one’s partner or acting like a victim, couples should take responsibility for their own role in a problem, using language like “I am sorry; that is my fault.” Taking responsibility is associated with more positive emotions and a stronger connection in the relationship.
• Like clarification, stating intentions helps partners understand a conflict and its solution. However, while clarification focuses on explaining past thoughts and actions, stating intentions involves planning future actions. A partner might say something like “In the future, I need you to communicate with me more when you need help” or “How would you like me to talk to you when you are feeling upset?” In this way, stating intentions puts emphasis on positive change which couples will work together to build in the future.
• Using appreciation means showing gratitude for something that a partner has done. Appreciative statements might include “Although I may have been in a bad mood, I appreciated it when you brought me a coffee the other day” or “Thank you for taking the time to talk this through.”

In arguments, it is easy to distort the situation, denying one’s responsibility, blaming another person, or making oneself out to be the victim. However, these techniques of distortion only serve to escalate conflicts and damage relationships. Instead of falling victim to the Four Horsemen or maladaptive conflict styles, we should try our best to clarify, take responsibility, state our intentions, and appreciate our partner when conflicts do come up. We may not be able to avoid arguments and disagreements in a relationship, but we can work on the ways in which we manage conflict to ensure that we handle these situations in the most healthy and beneficial way possible.

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Learn how to manage conflict with LIFE Intelligence

LIFE Intelligence is one app for every aspect of your LIFE. Our 9-topic self-development journey provides science-backed content, exercises, and reflections to help you better understand and manage yourself and others. Our mood tracker and emotional management toolkit helps you deal with difficult situations on the fly. These combined help you comprehensively manage stress and anxiety, improve work productivity and career fulfillment, and build lasting relationships.